Dear Smashera,
I’m not sure, but I think I my partner may be gaslighting me. I’ve noticed that when I don’t do things on his time then it’s a problem. There have been several instances where we agree on plans initially, but then they change at his whim. I’ve noticed this happening more and more and I don’t believe that I’m simply a bad listener. I love him, but I’m concerned. I’ve been abused in the past, and I don’t want to repeat that.
Sincerely,
Déjà vu
Dear Déjà,
There’s a lot of talk of the honeymoon period in
relationships—the stage where your person can absolutely
do no wrong and love feels unconditional. Sadly, that
feeling can never stay. I might sound jaded in saying
this, but most people have manipulative streaks. They may
not knowingly say, “Hey, this is my cue to cry and then
they will hopefully acquiesce to my needs,” but some
people do exactly this. So, how do we tease out a genuine
emotional response over a simulacrum of one?
For those just tuning in, the term “gaslighting” refers to a pattern of psychological abuse in which the victim is made to question their own sense of reality. The term comes from the 1938 stageplay, Gaslight, where a woman’s husband convinces her and others that she is delusional by changing things in her environment. When the woman notices, he tells her she’s crazy, knowing full well that he has, in fact, been making the changes she notices.
In the recent cultural dialogue, the term “gaslighting”
gets thrown around pretty frequently, but not always
correctly. It is a slow, insidious form of abuse—not when
a person disagrees with you on the internet. A gaslighting
partner will often refuse to listen or engage, citing that
they “don’t want to hear your crazy ideas again.” They
will also counter arguments, asking if you got your ideas
from a third party. They may just flat out deny that they
made a certain promise when you know that they did.
I cannot say whether or not you are being gaslit from this information. There are many warning signs that you should watch for within yourself, such as questioning whether or not you really are too sensitive all the time. If you’re finding yourself feeling confused, crazy, and losing self-esteem, it’s time to really face up to what you’re dealing with. The Hotline has put together a list of potential warning signs here. If this list feels all too familiar, it may be time to make your exit strategy.
But what if it’s only just begun?
As with many relational issues, this comes down to
patterns and communication. If one person notices an
unhealthy pattern forming, it’s important to sit down and
address it. Either it’s dealt with and the relationship
can move forward, or the pattern solidifies into something
toxic. It should be noted, though, that patterns can be
persistent, especially those learned early in life. If a
person feels that they have to manipulate others to get
their needs met, that’s not going to disappear overnight.
If they can be receptive to your concerns, then there is
some hope. Being able to call someone out for their shit
and have them say, “I’m sorry, and I’ll try harder in the
future,” is a beautiful thing. Change is never immediate,
but the insight is there.
If your concerns are met with denial and more manipulation (i.e.: if they make you feel like shit for bringing it up), then it’s time to notice the red flags. They might be capable of changing their behavior in the future, but it may not be with you. It’s sad to say, but enabling bad behavior with attention and love is only going to further that behavior. You may have to take a long, hard look and walk away at some point. Figure out for yourself what that point is. How long can you let another person dictate your movements? When will you know it’s gone too far? Figure it out, communicate to your partner, and stick to your guns. If you don’t respect your own boundaries, they never will.
Kisses,
Smashera
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